4 weeks, yet I still miss you so much.

i ignored all the warnings my heart gave, I ignored everyone who told me that I should stop putting in so much effort, i ignored all who told me I deserve better. 

In fact, I wanted to prove them wrong. To prove that all doubts were redundant and I wanted to prove we would make it out together no matter what, and making it out better together. I choose to choose you every single time, I choose to love you with all my heart all the time. I always wanted the best for you and I wouldn't mind going the extra mile just to know that you can rest a little more, travel a little lesser and feel a little better. I hope you knew that I have never had the thought to let you go. I thought we would have the courage to go through everything together and overcome every obstacle placed ahead of us, just as you promised.

But we didn't. 

Sometimes, I hate myself so much for being so weak and vulnerable. My tears flowed countless times for you during this short 4 weeks, so much more than I have cried for 18 years of my life. 

It's been 4 week since you decided that we should take a break, one that I really never know if it's going to be forever. it seems like was the since last night you held me in your arms, the last night i looked at you and realise how i fortune i am to have you by my side, the last night i looked at you reassured myself how much i love you. i am thankful, for all that you’ve done for me. thankful for how you choose to stay with me despite the physical distance between us. but yet, that was also the last night i felt the distance between us, i felt helpless as if i lost you at that instant and i didn’t know what to do to save it. it was the first time i cried because i felt that i didn’t know you well enough and that i failed because i didn’t know what to do. maybe i really didn’t know you well enough, maybe you never trusted me as much i did, maybe i lost you. lost you long ago, but believing you will come back one day. 

guess all stories eventually come to an end, whether we want it or not, not every story will end with a happy ending, but it was one that i will hold dear to. it was real, true and amazing.

even though you chose to go for the shorter way out, i won’t blame you. i won’t hate you. i believe you have your reasons and i will, respect you for that if its really the best for you.

maybe i will live with this lil regret of not being able to try harder & fight for what i really want. maybe i’ve been too nice, maybe i’ve always wanted the best for you till i lost pieces of myself. i will learn, learn from mistakes i’ve made, and to learn to love myself more before anyone else. i won’t delete you from my life, i won’t delete our photos, because i believe that even when we have to end, we were once happy and there was not a need to delete or change what it was.

maybe i won’t heal now. maybe i never will, we both don’t know what the future holds before us. maybe one day, if its meant to be, we will find our back to one another, find the courage to love and overcome the challenges ahead for the better of us. till then, maybe we will come back stronger as one. or you and i will move on, and find someone else that will love us more than what we could give each other. maybe we will move on happier w/o each other. i hope the best for you, but i hope you will look back one day and miss me a lil. you will always have a special place in my heart & i hope maybe i will get the small tiny place in yours. 

for the last time, i love you. till then, goodbye i guess. 

Thank you 2017.

Thank you 2017.

2017 was a bittersweet journey with so much memories that I hold dear to. It was a great year. It was a year I met people that I can now call them my best friends, my family. A year I learnt how to give my full trust to people I love, to learn to fully let my guards to walk away from my past experiences. It was a year I learnt to let more people into my life, giving everyone another chance to hurt me all over again. 

This year, has also made me realise how important it was to cherish every single moment and to not take people for granted. This year, I might have lost the one I loved most unknowingly, I've hurt people without knowing it myself, I'm sorry for all I've done even though it might be all too late now.

I'm thankful for all who I've met throughout this short 365 days, thankful to all who have stayed throughout, thankful for all always had my back no matter what happens, thankful to all who have brought light and laughter into my life. To those who might have chose to leave me, it hurts, I do not know when I will get back up again. But I know, I will and I have to, maybe one day but just not now. 

In 2018, I hope I will I find all the pieces of me that I lost in this year. I hope I will find faith to go on stronger and better. I hope I will give myself another chance and love myself more. I hope everything will get the better in the year ahead. As much as I wished I am able to go back in time to change things, I know I have to move ahead. Thank you 2017.